For those of you who follow and read my blog for the positive inspiration–motivation to keep fighting–this post isn’t one of them. So if you are on a roll, doing well, and in good spirits- I suggest you don’t read this post, for I am extremely affected by my environment-and only want the best for all those who suffer from a chronic illness- you don’t need to read about other peoples bad days, because unfortunately, you know all too well what those are like, and don’t need to be reminded. I know deep down that these negative feelings will pass but I’ve found writing to be an outlet for me- I’m sticking to my promise when I said I’d share my story and what it’s like to live with Lyme; all the ups..
and all the downs…
When you don’t look sick, it’s a “catch 22”
When people tell me I look good or pretty, I feel good about myself.
When people say to me, “you look so tired…you look like hell…you look like you just got run over by a train,” I’m not going to feel so good about myself.
The days I’m out of the house- I’m running around like crazy because I only have a few good hours in a day (if that) and it’s a race against time- i’m racing against myself, to get as much done as possible, before my final crash and i’m burnt out for the day. Chances are, if I look like a “train wreck” I won’t be leaving my house.. or my bed. It’s exhausting to make a few phone calls some days, as sad as that is- today I have to go to the chiropractor because I am in so much pain, otherwise I would not be leaving my house–that is if I even do go (the chiropractor I see, is literally 3 or 4 minutes from my house- yeah, like I said, sad that I don’t have the energy or willpower to make it that far)
In the past 10 minutes as I’ve been writing…I don’t even really care to write anymore. I’m tired. What’s the point. This isn’t going to get me better. This isn’t going to get anyone any closer to winning their fight against Lyme. Lyme…you win (just for today).